Imagine my excitement when I got the email that informed me it was time to vote for the class officers for the Brown Alumni Association!
My first thought was: It seems like just yesterday I was throwing out last year's ballot.
My second thought was: But I can do it and then blog about it and then I can go to sleep without having to work on my novel any more. This kind of procrastination was too good to resist. So here goes:
For the coveted position of Trustee, we are instructed to vote for no more than four of the following candidates:
|Charles M. Davis
Pacific Palisades, California
A.B. '82, Urban Studies
M.B.A. '86, Harvard Business School
|George H. Billings
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
B.A. '72, Literature (Honors)
M.B.A. '77, Harvard Business School (Honors)
|Annette LaPorte Nazareth
A.B. '78, magna cum laude, History and Economics
J.D. '81, Columbia University
|Brickson E. Diamond
West Hollywood, California
A.B. '93, Organizational Behavior
M.B.A. '99, Harvard Business School
|William P. Wood
A.B. '78, magna cum laude, History
M.B.A. '82, Harvard Business School
|Theresia Gouw Ranzetta |
Palo Alto, California
Sc.B. '90, magna cum laude, Engineering
M.B.A. '94, Stanford University
The savvy voter will note, right off the bat, that there are only six candidates. What this means is that we are not really choosing which four to vote for, but which two NOT to vote for.
What does a Trustee do? I have no idea. But I think you have to be rich to be a trustee. Clearly, all these people fit that requirement. Also, I have a vague sense that you should be TRUSTY, because I think that maybe the word Trustee is related to the word "trusty" by Etymology.
So who do I hate most here? I thought at first that I hated Brickson Diamond, because Brickson sounds sort of like a WASPy frat boy name and he majored in Organizational Business Management. At Brown, this was known as "OBM" and I always thought anyone who would major in something with such a scatalogical acronym was a fool. BUT THEN I LOOKED DEEPER. . .
Yikes, when I click on Brickson, he's a really cute black guy whose
"philanthropic interests focus on communities of color, LGBT rights,
and hospice care." Whew! I had to congratulate myself on doing a little research here and saving myself from a bad mistake.
Hmm, maybe William Wood is an evil oil magnate. . .well, he's very boring looking but he's got the phrase "empowering the working poor" on his page. But what does this mean exactly? Is it code for "forcing poor people into welfare-to-work programs"? Back when Mom was on welfare, the whole point of it was NOT to work. He also uses more florid vocabulary than the other candidates, e.g. "It is with great excitement that I can report that Brown still exudes that electric atmosphere of creativity, innovation, and sheer adrenaline that it did when I was a student mesmerized by the New Curriculum. If anything, this atmosphere has reached a palpable crescendo under President Simmons’s fearless leadership."
That blurb gave me a sort of un-trusty feeling.
Theresia looks like she'd be great fun to hang out with and mentions need-blind admissions. Charles Davis is president of Fandango, so maybe he'll read this and give me free movie tickets. George Billings has a wide, predatory grin and insipid blurb, but he was a literature major and gets major points for that. Plus, there's something I like about his punctuation. Annette looks a little crazed, she serves on the SEC, and her last name is just a little too Christ-y for my taste.
So...I think I'm going to choose NOT to vote for Annette and William. Whew! On to the all-important post of President-Elect.
Here we only get to vote for one person.
|Joseph M. Fernandez
Providence, Rhode Island
A.B. '85, American Civilization
J.D. '91, Harvard Law School
|Peter D. Bopp
New York, New York
A.B. '78, International Relations
M.B.A. '83, Kellogg School, Northwestern
|Alice Wheelwright |
St. Paul, Minnesota
A.B. '81, English and American Literature
So it was obviously between the Latino and the woman. While I respected Alice Wheelwright's lack of advanced degree, I had to go for Fernandez in the end, because he had this really likable face and is a patron of the arts.
Next, the exciting role of treasurer! The one who gets to extort money from the Brown Alumni fund.
|Clare Boerschlein Hare
Sc.B. '81, Applied Mathematics /Economics
M.B.A. '88, University of Chicago, Finance
|Jonathan M. Rozoff
New York, New York
A.B. '85, Public Policy (Honors)
M.B.A. '90, University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School
|Cayetano (Guy) Sanchez III |
East Greenwich, Rhode Island
Sc.B. '80, Engineering
M.B.A. '00, University of Phoenix
I decided to eliminate Guy Sanchez III right off the bat because I feel -- and I may be incorrect -- that the University of Phoenix is one of those places where you can get a degree through mail order.
Now it came down to a very close call between Clare and Jonathan. On the one hand, women are not usually very good with numbers, being more preoccupied with relatedness/emotions/lip gloss. On the other hand, Clare does have an MBA in Finance, which might indicate a rare quantitative aptitude not often seen in those of her sex. She also has the cutest little pug nose.
Jonathan is Jewish, and Jewish people are generally good at money, unless they are in my family, in which case they are good at substance abuse. He looks like a nice guy and he vaguely reminds me of Eve's husband Ben. Also, he says that he grew a business from its earliest days to a staff of 400 and, "The firm has hired a number of Brown students and alumni." I had to respect this bold admission of blatant nepotism. And perhaps there is even a veiled promise here, "Vote for me and I might give you a job, too." This is the man, I finally decided, who I want to skim a little off the top.
And last, but not least. . .the emasculating role of secretary. The one who has to take minutes at meetings in shorthand on a little yellow steno pad. The one who always gets stuck making coffee and picking up the treasurer's dry cleaning. The one who will, inevitably, end up having an affair with the president-elect.
I asked myself the following two questions: Who would I rather see having an affair with president-elect Joseph Fernandez? Also, who do I think would have the best penmanship?
A.B. '79, English and Religious Studies (Honors)
M.Div. '83, General Theological Seminary
A.B. '99, Anthropology / English Literature
M.B.A. '04, Sloan School of Management,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
|Jonathan B. Kim |
A.B. '88, English and American Literature
J.D. '91, Georgetown University
M.B.A. '00, Yale School of Management
Immediately, my eye was drawn to Anita. When those religious types fall, they fall hard, c.f. Mme de Tourvel (Michelle Pfeiffer) in Dangerous Liaisons. But when I clicked on her, I just couldn't see it. Not only is she actually a priest, but she just didn't seem like she would have much charisma with Joseph. She's sort of absent-minded-professor-ish, leading me to believe that her penmanship would be barely legible. (I had to force myself not to be swayed by Anita's excellent and actually quite moving blurb, easily the best of any candidate for any office.)
From his photo, Jay appears to have excellent gum health, unlike my gums, which have receded noticeably EVEN WHILE I COMPOSED THIS BLOG POST. Jay reports that he has marched in every Brown commencement since 1999, which I find unbearably sad. Joseph Fernandez lives in Providence, RI, so if he and Jay ran away together, that would mean that Jay would have to miss further commencements or else run the risk of being publicly shamed by Joseph's jealous wife and children. Penmanship: probably excellent, as has great dental hygiene.
Jonathan Kim is a cherubic middle-aged Asian man, and he and Joseph Fernandez would make a lovely couple. Penmanship: unclear. However, his blurb is blindingly boring. Anyone who could come up with a lead like this: "Jonathan is general counsel and corporate secretary for Montpelier Re Holdings Ltd., a NYSE-listed provider of global property and casualty reinsurance products through its operating and registered investment advisory subsidiaries in Hamilton, Bermuda." could not really captivate the imagination of a busy president-elect.
I had to vote for Anita in the end, and hope that beneath that ascetic exterior beats the passionate heart of a loving secretary.